137) Why Do This?

Welcome to my autobiography.

I’m happy you are here.

When I began writing my story on April 11th of this year, a little over 8 months ago, I wrote out of a sense of urgency that I would die without my life depicting a framework.

What do I mean?

Just this. With people like me who need to see how they THINK they fit into the universe – or big picture, seeing the last 63 years of my life through a haze as a series of unrelated events, people, ideas is nothing more than wandering around in a dark room in confusion.

So by constructing a mosaic of my life through a series of posts on a computer screen, I have placed all the pieces of the puzzle of my life on the table. In graduate school we called this a “theoretical framework”.

Whether puzzle or theoretical framework, it is a context for trying to understand  the forces and people who made me who am I, as well as what vibrational signature I send out here on earth.

Of course just posting my life, does not make the whole of my life any more clear. Just as pieces of a  puzzle on a table make a picture.

So for those interested in identifying a theme or meaning to their life, simply penning the events and people in their life means little. The hard work is seeing patterns, relationships, behaviors that form the picture.

Sometimes, as in the case of my own life, the picture depicts a lifelong struggle. My struggle has been to overcome an extremely difficult childhood and aspire to be a great dad, husband and provider for my family. In two of these three, I believe I have done well.

Later in my life beginning in about the year 2009 – after witnessing my son’s attempt to take his own life – I began to realize the scope of my struggle had grown larger. I began to care about the parents of children suffering with chronic  illness or pain. Still later, as I began my drive for financial independence, my vision increased again to reach out to those who hated their jobs and felt hopeless about changing their circumstances.

As I approach the end of this book, done here on a blog, I imagine many people think I’m a fool for spilling my guts here on a public forum. Many more will not care. Still more will never read these pages.

That’s okay, this book was never for anyone else anyway.

I suppose I expected to have put the puzzle together by now. But after such prolonged and intense introspection there are still aspects of my life as a man I do not understand. I am sure I never will.

Maybe the best a man can hope for is to have some goals and reach for them.

If there is something else, I haven’t yet learned what it is.

But I still have time.

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